Wednesday, October 19, 2011

blue heart

shirt - vintage
shoes - c/o blowfish
tights - c/o we love colors
hair bow - hive & honey

I've been having a hard time coming up with what to write lately because it seems like 99% of my brain is consumed with annoying life-examining thoughts. So bear with me, I'm just going to spill it all out here today...

I'm turning 25 in about 3 weeks and to be totally frank I'm just not happy with where I am. I went through this when I turned 16 too (something about "sweet 16" depressed me.) and I hate it. I want to just go about my daily business and not give any thought to whether or not I'm happy, but I can't. 25 seems too ominous to me, and the number just keeps nagging at me all the time.

It's not so much my actual life that bothers me. Honestly, I like living at home. I know I shouldn't since I'm in my mid-twenties, but I really do. I'm close friends with my parents and my brother, so I feel like I'm living with awesome roommates all the time! Also, I have no problem with being single. It used to bother the heck out of me in high school, but over the last year or so I've really come to get used to it and enjoy it. And after spending over a decade hating my body, I've finally become comfortable in my own skin.

But when I was a teenager, I really thought I'd have it together by 25. Not that I'd be married or have a career, nothing that concrete, I just thought that internally I wouldn't struggle with perpetual embarrassment, extreme sensitivity, social awkwardness and generally feeling like nobody likes me. I've felt that way since I was in elementary school, and I always thought it was something I would outgrow. But I haven't. I'm really uncomfortable with people I don't know *really* well. And even when I feel like I'm good friends with someone, I always have an underlying suspicion that they don't actually like me. (Yeah, my grade school "friends" REALLY messed me up.) And for someone who has an etsy shop and a blog, I'm terrible at communication. Seriously, I'm just so bad at this stuff, it's not even funny. I'm terribly envious of bloggers who seem to absolutely ooze friendliness and charm. For me it's a battle to even say "Love your dress!" in a comment without feeling like a troll. And I really didn't think I'd still be like this at 25.

More importantly, though, I didn't realize how fast life would be going by, and how much I'd want to slow it down. When I was younger I desperately wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be in galleries and museums and travel the world. But lately I've realized that that's not what I want at all. Personal success has become completely unimportant to me. To a lot of people mid-life and quarter-life crises are fueled by some kind of dissatisfaction with how far they've come in life... how much or how little they've accomplished. But mine is fueled by a feeling that everything is fleeting, and I want to hold on tight.

About two weeks ago, we had to take my mom to the ER. I wasn't actually going to talk about it here, but it's definitely contributing to my mental unease and I think it bears mentioning in this post. I had just woken up when my dad knocked on my door to tell me that we had to go. I've only seen my dad cry twice in my entire life -- at his uncle's funeral, and that morning. As soon as I looked at him I just burst into tears. I could tell that he was scared to death. When we arrived at the hospital, they had to take my mom in on a stretcher. I don't know how I kept it together, all that I could think was how much I hoped she was okay. I have never in my whole entire life been more terrified than I was that morning. Never. Ever. Ever. Thankfully everything turned out to be okay, and after spending two weeks resting at home she's back at work now and seems to be back to normal (To protect her privacy, I don't want to say what was wrong, but she's really ok now!) However, the incident made me realize just how important my family is to me, and how fragile our little world really is.

It made me realize that my personal goals are inconsequential when it comes to my bigger picture: I like spending time with my family. I like game night, dinners at the kitchen table debating politics and talking about our cats. I like movie nights and listening to my parents talk about their days at work. I like all of these things a heck of a lot more than I like painting or drawing. What is most important to me now is cherishing the time we all have together and enjoying each day. My dad has spent his whole life being a workaholic, often working on holidays and birthdays since he runs his own business (like I do now). And I don't want that to be me. I don't want to miss my life because I'm busy trying to make a success out of it.

So anyway, this is a really awkward post (sorry!!) but I just had to say something because every day for the last week or two when I've been faced with writing, I freeze. This is all I can think about, and it's driving me crazy so hopefully letting it all out today will help me to move on and actually enjoy my birthday! :)