Saturday, October 9, 2010

to feel light

I had a dream last night that I was skinny again. I felt lighter, I moved easily and gracefully. I was conscious that I was dreaming and reveled in my lightness. I rummaged my closet for shorter skirts that I could wear without feeling self conscious. Moving, sitting and standing were weightless.

I miss being skinny. I miss it, not because of how I looked but because of how I felt. I miss feeling light and totally carefree. Not caring if fabric clung or bunched, or if skirts rode up past my knees. Paying no notice to my appearance because it didn't feel so constantly present.

Now, I'm always conscious of my body. Conscious of my weight. Of the louder sound that my feet make on the ground as I walk; of the tight feeling when my jeans cut into my stomach when I sit. I feel heavy, weighed down, more tired and less bouncy.


I've been walking now for a month, every single night I walk almost a mile. I eat healthy. I exercise. Yet I still see no difference. When I remember what if felt like when I was thin, I wonder if I'll ever feel like that again. I really miss the old me, and no matter how hard I try I don't think I'll ever be her again.