Monday, January 4, 2021

can't you hear my heartbeat

In 2011 I started blogging every single day - and often more than once a day. I logged a whopping 430 posts on this site in 2011!! I was scrolling through my archives the other night and thought it might be fun to start recreating some of my outfits on the exact tenth anniversary of the day I wore the original ensemble. So here is my first one, a 2021 version of what I wore on January 4th, 2011! You can view my original post here.

In my Jan. 4, 2011 post I wrote about getting my first "you're fat" comment on my blog and how it was water off a duck's back because I was so confident, but I'm sure it really, really hurt me. In 2013 (two whole years after this 2011 post flaunting my unyielding confidence) I deleted my entire instagram account because somebody said I was ugly. I was just soo sensitive and that's never gone away. Several months ago somebody with a Bette Davis avatar on twitter told me I was ugly and while a bunch of friends hopped to my defense and I swiftly blocked the person, it still hurt a lot. And the fact that it appeared to be coming from Bette Davis made it even worse lol! 

I don't think I'm ugly and I don't think I'm fat (not that there would be anything wrong with either thing anyway) but I think it's just the idea that someone out there really doesn't like YOU.  It's like Pam says on The Office, "I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me." It always hurts, no matter how many years of blogging or social media you have under your belt. The mean comments I used to get in my early days of blogging led me to stop allowing comments on this blog entirely and I rarely check my comments on social media. I probably missed out on a lot of very kind and pleasant responses and definitely lost out on potential friendships I might have formed through mutual commenting, but it caused me so much anxiety that I just feel so much better being completely oblivious. I look at that photo of myself from 2011 and think about what a brave face I was putting on, while I was definitely hurt inside. But then I look at these photos I took today and see a blissfully unaware, confident girl who happily takes pictures of herself because she can't hear the hate anymore.

dress - asos | top - modcloth | collar clips - my shop (coming soon) | tights - uo (old)