undeniable determination

This is a close approximation of what I was wearing on February 7, 2011, exactly ten years ago! You can see my original outfit post right here. I don't have that dress anymore, which is a shame since it was one of my first adventures in sewing. But even with my alterations I still didn't wear it very often, mostly because the bodice was too long for me (you can see it bunching a bit in the pictures) and I didn't know at the time that it was only like a $10 fix at the tailor. Also I hardly ever smiled in my photos back then. I wasn't sad, I just didn't think I looked nice when I smiled, and that in turn makes me a little sad. I'm glad I finally got over that at some point and let my happiness show in my photos now :)

This dress was a recent find on Thredup (not sponsored) which is where I've been getting a lot of my new-to-me clothes recently. I love color and fun patterns and bold designs just as much as I always have, but most stores seem to only be selling clothes in various shades of grey and beige these days. So I've been getting my shopping fix buying slightly used clothing instead! I especially love that they have a "fit and flare" filter on their dress page! All I have to do is scan the listings for pops of color and shopping is a breeze lol!

Also, this bow tie is actually a hair tie with a duck bill clip in the back. I attached it by putting a bobby pin on the neckline of my dress and then attaching the bow to the bobby pin. The bow mostly hides the pin, so you don't even see it! It's my new favorite clothing hack! I got a few of these hair bows in different colors and can't wait to start adding a little vintage bow flair to some of my dresses!

dress - J Crew (via thredup) | shoes - bait footwear | bow - amazon

ye olde juicebox

Here is my second recreation of an outfit I wore exactly ten years ago! On January 13, 2011 I wrote a post about a historic house in my hometown and judging from the photos and the text I'm pretty sure I was in a crabby mood that day lol. I was wearing a plaid dress, black coat, red tights, and black shoes. I am fairly certain I still have that dress but I think it's in my storage unit because I couldn't find it in my closet. I did, however, have this nearly identical plaid printed frock at the ready. 

This ten year project is so surreal because that time period of my life doesn't feel like a decade ago. Not much in my personal life has changed since then. I don't feel like I've progressed at all in my career and I feel like somehow I've regressed when it comes to friendships and connecting with other human beings. I don't keep in touch with many friends (mostly because I don't think anyone likes me, something I'm definitely working on with my therapist) and even before the pandemic I honestly didn't leave the house all that often. Life in 2011 looks a lot like my life in 2021. With one pretty big exception - the world around me.

While my own life has stayed the same and time has passed without much notice, the world I was living in in 2011 is so different from 2021. The other day I said something like "I have so much hope that Biden will get a handle on the pandemic provided this coup doesn't pan out." and I just had to stop myself and consider how insane that sentence was! Looking at my old posts, it's just so hard to believe how much the world has changed in such a short amount of time. My generally frivolous existence was perfectly fine six or seven years ago, but now I feel such enormous guilt when I share unimportant content. I hesitate to post things and I take long social media breaks, but inevitably I still share it because I think there's a place in the world for silly things even during the darkest times, and because I am a firm believer in escapism. But I definitely miss those days when the most pressing concern in life was whether or not my brother was being moody about taking my photo on a cold January day in 2011. 

dress - amazon | coat - asos (old) | tights - we love colors

can't you hear my heartbeat

In 2011 I started blogging every single day - and often more than once a day. I logged a whopping 430 posts on this site in 2011!! I was scrolling through my archives the other night and thought it might be fun to start recreating some of my outfits on the exact tenth anniversary of the day I wore the original ensemble. So here is my first one, a 2021 version of what I wore on January 4th, 2011! You can view my original post here.

In my Jan. 4, 2011 post I wrote about getting my first "you're fat" comment on my blog and how it was water off a duck's back because I was so confident, but I'm sure it really, really hurt me. In 2013 (two whole years after this 2011 post flaunting my unyielding confidence) I deleted my entire instagram account because somebody said I was ugly. I was just soo sensitive and that's never gone away. Several months ago somebody with a Bette Davis avatar on twitter told me I was ugly and while a bunch of friends hopped to my defense and I swiftly blocked the person, it still hurt a lot. And the fact that it appeared to be coming from Bette Davis made it even worse lol! 

I don't think I'm ugly and I don't think I'm fat (not that there would be anything wrong with either thing anyway) but I think it's just the idea that someone out there really doesn't like YOU.  It's like Pam says on The Office, "I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me." It always hurts, no matter how many years of blogging or social media you have under your belt. The mean comments I used to get in my early days of blogging led me to stop allowing comments on this blog entirely and I rarely check my comments on social media. I probably missed out on a lot of very kind and pleasant responses and definitely lost out on potential friendships I might have formed through mutual commenting, but it caused me so much anxiety that I just feel so much better being completely oblivious. I look at that photo of myself from 2011 and think about what a brave face I was putting on, while I was definitely hurt inside. But then I look at these photos I took today and see a blissfully unaware, confident girl who happily takes pictures of herself because she can't hear the hate anymore.

dress - asos | top - modcloth | collar clips - my shop (coming soon) | tights - uo (old)