blue heart

dress - trollied dolly

shirt - vintage

shoes - c/o blowfish

tights - c/o we love colors

hair bow - hive & honey

I've been having a hard time coming up with what to write lately because it seems like 99% of my brain is consumed with annoying life-examining thoughts. So bear with me, I'm just going to spill it all out here today...

I'm turning 25 in about 3 weeks and to be totally frank I'm just not happy with where I am. I went through this when I turned 16 too (something about "sweet 16" depressed me.) and I hate it. I want to just go about my daily business and not give any thought to whether or not I'm happy, but I can't. 25 seems too ominous to me, and the number just keeps nagging at me all the time.

It's not so much my actual life that bothers me. Honestly, I like living at home. I know I shouldn't since I'm in my mid-twenties, but I really do. I'm close friends with my parents and my brother, so I feel like I'm living with awesome roommates all the time! Also, I have no problem with being single. It used to bother the heck out of me in high school, but over the last year or so I've really come to get used to it and enjoy it. And after spending over a decade hating my body, I've finally become comfortable in my own skin.

But when I was a teenager, I really thought I'd have it together by 25. Not that I'd be married or have a career, nothing that concrete, I just thought that internally I wouldn't struggle with perpetual embarrassment, extreme sensitivity, social awkwardness and generally feeling like nobody likes me. I've felt that way since I was in elementary school, and I always thought it was something I would outgrow. But I haven't. I'm really uncomfortable with people I don't know *really* well. And even when I feel like I'm good friends with someone, I always have an underlying suspicion that they don't actually like me. (Yeah, my grade school "friends" REALLY messed me up.) And for someone who has an etsy shop and a blog, I'm terrible at communication. Seriously, I'm just so bad at this stuff, it's not even funny. I'm terribly envious of bloggers who seem to absolutely ooze friendliness and charm. For me it's a battle to even say "Love your dress!" in a comment without feeling like a troll. And I really didn't think I'd still be like this at 25.

More importantly, though, I didn't realize how fast life would be going by, and how much I'd want to slow it down. When I was younger I desperately wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be in galleries and museums and travel the world. But lately I've realized that that's not what I want at all. Personal success has become completely unimportant to me. To a lot of people mid-life and quarter-life crises are fueled by some kind of dissatisfaction with how far they've come in life... how much or how little they've accomplished. But mine is fueled by a feeling that everything is fleeting, and I want to hold on tight.

About two weeks ago, we had to take my mom to the ER. I wasn't actually going to talk about it here, but it's definitely contributing to my mental unease and I think it bears mentioning in this post. I had just woken up when my dad knocked on my door to tell me that we had to go. I've only seen my dad cry twice in my entire life -- at his uncle's funeral, and that morning. As soon as I looked at him I just burst into tears. I could tell that he was scared to death. When we arrived at the hospital, they had to take my mom in on a stretcher. I don't know how I kept it together, all that I could think was how much I hoped she was okay. I have never in my whole entire life been more terrified than I was that morning. Never. Ever. Ever. Thankfully everything turned out to be okay, and after spending two weeks resting at home she's back at work now and seems to be back to normal (To protect her privacy, I don't want to say what was wrong, but she's really ok now!) However, the incident made me realize just how important my family is to me, and how fragile our little world really is.

It made me realize that my personal goals are inconsequential when it comes to my bigger picture: I like spending time with my family. I like game night, dinners at the kitchen table debating politics and talking about our cats. I like movie nights and listening to my parents talk about their days at work. I like all of these things a heck of a lot more than I like painting or drawing. What is most important to me now is cherishing the time we all have together and enjoying each day. My dad has spent his whole life being a workaholic, often working on holidays and birthdays since he runs his own business (like I do now). And I don't want that to be me. I don't want to miss my life because I'm busy trying to make a success out of it.

So anyway, this is a really awkward post (sorry!!) but I just had to say something because every day for the last week or two when I've been faced with writing, I freeze. This is all I can think about, and it's driving me crazy so hopefully letting it all out today will help me to move on and actually enjoy my birthday! :)

playing dress up

dress - asos

hat - h&m

boots - alloy

necklace - handmade

My mom and I went to H&M last week (that's where these goodies came from) and for some reason I got this huge urge to try on the most wild things that I wouldn't normally buy. My dressing room haul included a faux leather dress, a pencil skirt, some huge faux fur collars (which ended up coming home with me) and a few other very dramatic pieces. I kept stepping out of the changing room to show my mom the ensembles, striking over-the-top poses and acting generally silly.

When we were leaving the dressing room, I still had this hat on my head and one of the faux fur collars draped over my yellow shirtdress. As I struck one last dramatic pose for my mom, she laughed and said "you're still the same Kate that you were when you were four years old." I took this as a compliment (I pretty much take all comparisons to children as a compliment) and it dawned on me why I love clothes and outfit posts and looking at other girls' outfit posts so so much... we're playing dress up.

Every once in a while when I use my ATM card at the bank I think to myself "this is a REAL bank... not one that I made out of cardboard to play Banker with my dad! It's real!" Or sometimes when I'm cooking I'll think back to my fake plastic food and imaginary restaurants that I made up as a kid. For a lot of people (too many people, I think) that's all in the past... growing up means suppressing your inner child. But for some reason it's all still very present to me. My inner child is alive and kicking, and I don't think it's a bad thing. Retaining that love of play has helped me to enjoy things that most adults consider mundane. I love -- really LOVE -- getting dressed in the morning. Because to me, I'm still playing dress up.

white collar

dress - forever 21

collar - asos

belt - forever 21

shoes - blowfish

I think collars are my #1 favorite accessory. They totally transform the clothing you're wearing into something completely different! This dress is cute on its own, but it's more like a tank on top, so the collar makes it a bit more interesting! :)

This weekend I discovered a big problem I'm going to have when I move. I got really, really sick on Saturday night, and my mom kept me company until 2am. When I'm feeling ill, I desperately need someone there with me. In my family we all wake someone up when we get sick in the middle of the night. If one person comes down with the flu, another family member sleeps in the living room with them and gets soup and tea whenever it's needed. We take really good care of each other, so I've grown accustomed to having help when I'm sick. The thought of getting the flu or some terrible stomach virus when I'm all alone in Toronto is TERRIFYING. So I was just wondering, anyone who lives alone, or has in the past, how do you handle sickness when you're all by yourself?

Do you want to comment, but have no idea what to say? Trust me, I've been there! So to make things a little easier, here is a question you can answer if you can't think of anything else to say! :)

What is your favorite accessory?

come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned

dress - modcloth

collar - luminia

faux kneehigh tights - UO

shoes - H&M

Lately I've been missing being a kid. I had a really great childhood, incredibly carefree and fun. As I got older and things started to change, I was never happy about it. Mother nature practically had to drag me into adulthood; screaming and wailing and holding on for dear life to my precious childhood. I can remember having regular conversations with my mom all throughout middle school, discussing how amazing it would be if Neverland was real.

I'm 24 now, and about to live on my own for the first time... and I still feel a lot like a kid. I don't know if it's just that right-brained people tend to live more creative lives, and keep reaching back into the crayons-and-coloring-books resources of our childhoods, but I still can't see myself as an adult. It constantly amazes me when I see people my age - or younger - who are engaged, married or giving birth to their second or third children already, when I still feel a sense of grown-up pride over doing my own laundry. Then again, I have a feeling that I'll be 80 and still looking out my window waiting for Peter Pan to come whisk me away in the night.

Do you want to comment, but have no idea what to say? Trust me, I've been there! So to make things a little easier, here is a question you can answer if you can't think of anything else to say! :)

Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!!! *clap clap clap*