what's in my bag

Hello! I'm trying to get back in the swing of sharing videos and blog posts again, and I started with a new "what's in my bag" video that just went up on my youtube channel right here!

I also posted a Q&A video on my patreon, right here. I got so many fun questions about movies, my closet, Arrietty, my artwork, and more. And I had so much fun answering them all! You can always leave more questions in the comments on my patreon post if you have any, and I'll film a follow up video! :)

It's been a weird couple of months, but I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on things. I'll post more about what's been going on in my next post, but I was accepted to Oregon State University (I'm not moving there, I'm doing it online) and if all goes well I'll have a BA in anthropology by 2021!! In the mean time I'm still kind of scrambling to keep my various shops afloat, and I have SO many new product lines that I'm working on that will hopefully breathe some life into my business. I got a laser cutting machine so I'll be whipping up some wooden and acrylic brooches soon. I have a line of greeting cards hitting the shop next week, and (drum roll) I'm finally going to start offering dresses. I'll be launching the first batch in my shop by the end of the month. So maybe my next outfit post will feature a dress that I actually designed myself!! Pretty nifty :D

when life gives you lemons

Sorry again for the unexpected hiatus! Right after we got back from vacation my mom was hospitalized with pneumonia, someone close to me had a mental health crisis, my dad got sick, and Arrietty gave me a scare that turned out to be nothing, but frightened the wits out of me. My mom is doing a lot better now, but she had some complications that we're still not sure are okay (and the doctors are being weirdly cagey about discussing it?) I also got sick, probably since my body does not handle stress very well, and ended up with the worst case of bronchitis and asthma that I've had since I was little. I'm going on week 3 now and I still can't shake it completely. At least I can talk without coughing now, though, which I couldn't do for about two weeks.

But things are definitely looking up from where they started. My mom was home from the hospital in time for Easter, so we had a quiet dinner at home and I still cooked and decorated. I'll share some pictures from how it turned out later this week. We were all just so happy that my mom was able to come home that it was one of the best Easters we've ever had. And luckily I felt healthy enough this weekend to make it to the Montclair Film Festival where I saw Mindy Kaling's new movie, Late Night (with a Q&A, too!!) It was a total blast, and such a nice respite after a pretty trying couple of weeks. Oh, and this outfit is what I wore to the event. I wanted to pick my most Mindy-esque dress for the occasion!

I know most bloggers manage to keep it together and stick with their schedules when things go awry at home and a lot of people have things way worse than I do, but for me when things happen offline I just like to log off for a while and not worry about the internet. And inevitably, even when I'm away because of family crises, that time spent away from the computer always makes me want to cut back when I inevitably return. I don't know where I'm going with all this. I've been going back and forth the last week thinking maybe I want to cut back on my blog schedule or make less youtube videos -- especially since I'm planning, once again, on trying to go back to school and need to make room in my schedule for tests and homework -- but also there's the reality that even if I get my degree I'm years away from another career. I don't know. The internet is such a double-edged sword. Working from home allows me to spend all day with my cat, it allows me to set my own schedule and work in pajamas. But I'm constantly tethered to my computer. My income is painfully erratic, and as much as I love being creative, my body consistently hums with the frequency of humiliation and self doubt when the things I create do poorly online. These feelings are constant for me, but they always seem to snowball when life throws me curveballs, you know? Last month I seriously grappled with the possibility that I could lose three of the people that I love most in the entire world, and that hurt stirs up so much inside of you. I want life to mean more, I want to plan my time more wisely, I want to be 100% there for the people I love.

For now these thoughts are all so random and I'm still getting over being sick, I'm not making any rash decisions I'll regret at some point later on. I'm temporarily nixing my wishlist wednesday posts because they are way more time consuming than you might imagine and yet I don't think anyone really even looks at them, lol. I'll still be updating my wishlist on pinterest here though. And for the time being I'm pausing the youtube videos (I honestly don't have much of a voice right now to be able to do them, anyway, lol!) And this week I'm going over to my alma mater to release my transcripts so I can apply for a few online BA programs.

When I look back through my blog archives I have written SO MANY posts where I was like "I need to change! I want to pursue a different path in life and I'm doing it NOW!" and then I didn't change a darn thing. I hope so badly that I have some follow through this time and I don't look back at *this* post five years from now, shaking my head like "Kate you dumb cluck, what is the matter with you?!"

dress - asos | shoes - bait footwear | belt - from another dress

someday

I just read this great article from refinery29 about how a lot of times single women put things off for "someday" when they're part of a couple, instead of living the life they want to live right now. The author talks about going to Italy despite always thinking of that trip as something she'd want to do with a partner, which was definitely how I felt when I booked my trip to Paris and Rome in 2016. I think most people, when they think of the Eiffel Tower glittering at night or a twilight cruise along the Seine, they imagine being able to experience that with someone they love, casually slipping your hand in theirs as you take in the magic together. But at 29 I was like "forget that" and I went by myself, and it was the best week of my life.

There are a lot of things I've still "someday"-ed though, and that needs to change. I someday buying my own place (partially because I honestly cannot afford it, but also because I'm a scaredy cat who likes having someone around to check under beds and take care of spiders). I someday trips to the beach. Yes, I can galavant around Montmartre solo but the idea of running into the waves by myself has always felt lacking.

One "someday" that I just decided to "right now" is hosting holidays. I always thought I'd have to wait until I was part of a duo, with a house of my own, before I could host a holiday dinner. But I'm officially doing Easter this year! I am 32 years old, and I've always wanted to do this. Why not NOW. I'm making ham and potato salad for my carnivorous mom & Grandmom and vegetable pot pies for the rest of us. I'm making roasted carrots and chocolate dipped strawberries decorated to look like easter eggs! I already picked up some cute cloth napkins from Pier 1, and started planning a grown up easter egg hunt for the afternoon.

A couple years ago I gave up on "someday" as far as it applies to love. It's not happening for me. But it wasn't until I read that article that I realized I've still, somehow, been clinging to "somedays" when it comes to traditions, big purchases, trips, etc. Not anymore :)

blouse - banned retro | cardigan - forever 21

shoes - bait footwear | skirt - vintage

feeling lucky

Sorry I've been pretty MIA over the last few weeks! I had a health scare over the holidays and I'm just now starting to feel a little better.

I started feeling under the weather around Thanksgiving, when I had an intense nose bleed that I just attributed to a brewing sinus infection. Then I started bruising really easily, and I just attributed that to me moving some furniture around in the living room. My stomach was really upset, but I thought I was just really stressed from the holidays, and since I was in "Christmas work mode" I wasn't eating that well.. getting a lot of take out and munching on Christmas cookies. I just thought I was run down.

I finally went to the doctor after I had been sick for about two weeks. I almost fainted when I woke up that morning, and I thought it was time to finally cave in and go. He thought I just had a stomach bug, but he ordered blood work anyway just to make sure it wasn't anything serious, and he gave me  medicine for my symptoms. I felt better on the medicine, so I put off the blood work for a week. The day after I went in for the blood work, I got a call from the doctor telling me I had to go to the ER immediately because my platelet and hemoglobin counts were dangerously low. I was TERRIFIED. I ended up getting admitted to the hospital and after what seemed like five dozen tests I was diagnosed with c-diff, which is a bacterial infection in the colon, and if it's untreated quickly it's pretty deadly. I already had major blood loss and my colon was significantly inflamed... I caught it literally just in time. I was treated at the hospital for a couple more days and since I responded well to treatment, and my blood levels started returning to safe levels, I was luckily able to spend Christmas at home.

It's taken me about two weeks to feel even remotely normal again. My first round of antibiotics didn't knock out the infection, and I finish my second round of pills tonight. I feel like I have some energy back, and my stomach is feeling more settled, but my brain is still reeling with all the "what-if" scenarios. If I had just waited a few more days to get blood work, if I hadn't gone to the doctor, etc. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

I don't feel like I'm totally out of the woods yet, so I don't want to be like "yay! totally back to normal!" just yet. I still have to have more blood work, I have follow-up doctor's appointments, and apparently once you've had c-diff it's hard to shake it, so even though I feel a little better I'm still nervous that it's lurking around inside waiting to attack again.

I'll say one thing though, this whole experience has taught me so much and totally changed my approach to life. Part of the reason I didn't go to the doctor sooner was because I didn't want to spend the money. I had a lot of money-related stress last year and I was penny-pinching when I really shouldn't have. I tried to save a few hundred dollars by skipping the doctor, and that's going to cost me thousands in hospital bills. It was so colossally stupid of me to treat my health that way, and I'm never making that mistake again. No matter the cost, my health comes first. Not just because hospital bills are pricier than doctor bills, but because trying to save a few dollars almost killed me. Never ever again.

And god I probably sound so hokey but I learned that I need to stop being mopey all the time and stop taking life for granted. I have spent a lot of my adult life feeling blue about really stupid things. Even some of the big things are stupid in retrospect. I care WAY too much about my business and feeling unaccomplished for my age. I'm done letting that swallow my mood every day. When the doctor told me I was well enough to leave the hospital, nothing, and I mean NOTHING mattered to me as much as my parents, my cat, and being home. And I need to remember that more often. Since I've been home, even though I've still been sick, I've been looking around and just cherishing everything around me. I like breathing air, I like eating (even if it's been nothing but rice, toast, and applesauce for three weeks straight!), I like holding Arrietty and feeling her little heartbeat against my chest, I like watching movies with my mom and dad, I like feeling a cozy blanket tucked up against my chin, I like the feeling of falling asleep in my own comfy bed.

I feel so incredibly lucky to be alive and (knock on wood!) on the road to recovery. And between my parents and my best friends, I feel so incredibly loved right now. I just feel so appreciative of literally everything, and I'm looking forward to a happy and (knock on wood again!) healthy 2018 :)

heirloom ornaments

Last week my brother and I helped my mom decorate the family Christmas tree. She mentioned to him that when he and his girlfriend get married, he'll get some of the ornaments for his own tree. We have a family tradition of passing down ornaments when a kid gets married and starts their own family. All of the vintage ornaments on our tree were passed down from my grandmom to my mom when my parents tied the knot.

As you probably know, I'm perpetually single. Not just that I don't have a steady boyfriend at the moment, I mean I've never dated before. Ever. It used to bother me a lot but over the last year or so I've not only come to terms with it, I've grown pretty attached to the idea of staying single. At this point in my life, I do not plan on getting married or pairing up with anyone. I feel like it's just not in the cards for me and I'm totally okay with that. But it begs the question -- if marriage is the milestone that initiates the handing down of the ornaments, when do I get mine?! lol!

So I asked my mom if she'd let me have my share now. I'm already 31, I have my own Christmas tree, and I love these ornaments SO much. Ever since I was little they were always my favorite ones to put up, and I dreamed about getting to decorate my own tree with them someday. Well luckily, "someday" is now, because I have an incredibly awesome and understanding mom. Not only did she immediately, enthusiastically agree to letting me have a handful of ornaments, she balked at the eight I picked out and insisted that I go back for four more to make it an even dozen.

I'm super lucky to have a very understanding family that is totally okay with my spinsterhood. I've never once been asked when I'd settle down and find a boyfriend, and I've never had to hear any intrusive hints about my biological clock. I know that a lot of single girls aren't so lucky, and it makes me appreciate my family all the more for it. And if you're in a similar situation and you've been eyeing some family ornaments for your tree, try asking! I think a surprising amount of people my age are unattached and we're missing out on some family traditions like this just because we're not following the conventional road path of life, and nobody really knows how to adjust old traditions to new lifestyles. So we need to make up our own rules! :)

no filter

Well this has been an interesting week. On Monday night I noticed a weird shadow on my ceiling, which looked like a little person waving. It was cute, but I thought nothing of it, and then went to sleep. Then Tuesday morning I woke up to a GIANT water stain on the ceiling, soaking wet artwork falling off of my wall and droplets splashing onto the floor. I've had everything covered in tarps all week, since the plumber wasn't able to come out until this morning. It turns out we had two broken pipes and now they are fixed -- and my ceiling has the scars to prove it, lol!

As all this was going on I kind of flashed back to when I started my snapchat account last year. I really wanted to share more day-to-day stuff, kind of give updates when major setbacks occurred (I had a really hard time doing computer work Tuesday - Thursday this week because my computers were situated right under the leak) etc. But I really don't like snapchat. I don't actually like the idea that your photos disappear. I love the time-capsule aspect of social media more than almost anything else. Especially more than the social part, lol! I like scrolling back through my old photos, reading my old facebook updates, seeing who I was with or where I was at two, four, six years ago. I also don't really like that you have to post things right at the moment. I prefer to take a quick photo, keep doing whatever I'm doing, and then upload things to social media during my downtime. So snapchat just isn't for me.

BUT. Now that instagram's update makes it easy to switch between accounts, I decided to start an account for basically everything that would have gone on my snapchat. It's @kategabrielle_nofilter. I already posted some stuff last night to give you an idea of what I'll be sharing there if you want to take a peek.

One of the main gripes I had when I decided to quit blogging in 2014 was that I felt like my life looked too curated, that my own style was a caricature of itself, and that my photos only seemed to inspire commercialism (ie. where can I buy that item?) and nothing else. Even now, I often feel like my cats, my artwork and myself are "in the way" and that most of my followers would rather see whatever bedding or carpet is in the background. And I get that, I often look at photos and feel the same exact way. But even though I'm super in love with my bedroom and studio, and I clearly find pleasure in sharing my outfits, those two things constitute such a tiny, tiny fraction of who I am and what I love.

I always want to share things like what movie I'm watching that night, what book I just finished and everyone NEEDS TO READ IMMEDIATELY, whatever chick-pea-based recipe I'm hooked on at the moment, a low-light photo of one of my cats being devastatingly adorable, work-in-progress shots of projects that aren't quite photogenic yet but I'm simply too excited about them to resist showing photos anyway. So that's what this new account is for. It's called no filter, but tbh I'm still editing the pictures. I usually even brighten photos of my cats before I text them to my mom, I really can't help myself.

I like to think of this as the behind-the-scenes documentary account and my main account is the CinemaScope technicolor movie. I mean, I'm planning on taking outfit photos tomorrow or Saturday and you can bet your buttons that the busted ceiling will not be visible in those shots. But if you read this post/follow my new account, you'll know it's just been cropped out. And I think that's kind of cool?

thirty before thirty

Okay, I'm still technically 28... but 29 is only a few weeks away and, to be honest, I've been freaking out about this birthday ever since I turned 25. It's just feels like a deadline -- society tells us that we should have certain things figured out by this age. It seems like most of my peers are married, engaged, parents, home-owners, etc. while I'm stuck in perpetual adolescence. I've definitely accomplished a lot in my twenties, and I enjoy my life immensely, but it's hard not to feel like I'm missing invisible benchmarks.

I've spent WAY too much time this year actually dreading my birthday. I mean, on New Year's Eve after the clock struck midnight I looked at my mom and said "I'm going to be 30 NEXT YEAR." It was the first thing that crossed my mind. It's horrible! I feel like my brain is sabotaging me, I just can't stop thinking about it.

Well, brain, I've got news for you. We're not going to spend the next year freaking out and having panic attacks every night.  When I turn 30 next year it's going to mark the end of one of the best years of my life. I'm setting my OWN benchmarks for what makes my life fulfilling and productive!

I'm super serious about this list, it's not just like a new years resolution that I'll forget about one month later. I really want to stick with it and make sure that 30 feels more like an accomplishment than a waste. And even though there are a few silly things on the list, a lot of the items are designed to help push me out of my hermit-like comfort zone and maybe lead to my 30's being a little more adventurous than my 20's.

I'll come back and cross these off as I (hopefully!) accomplish them! Okay, in no particular order -- here are 30 things I'd like to do before I turn *dun dun dun* thirty:



1. Start to learn French. I actually wanted to learn Latin, but I was watching a French film the other day and thought it would be incredibly cool if I could understand what they were saying instead of reading the subtitles. They don't make many movies in Latin so French seems like a better idea ;) I'm going to be using the Duolingo app, and I'm going to try to watch one French movie a week to see if I start understanding the dialogue as my lessons progress!

2. Learn to read music. I bought a balalaika last year but I can't play until I know how to read music. I'm tired of looking at my sad little instrument sitting silent in my bedroom.

3. Learn how to play the balalaika! This obviously depends on #2, but I'm hoping I can at least make progress.

4. Travel to Europe. I'm not sure where yet, but I'm saving up my airline miles already and ideally I'd do some kind of 30th birthday trip next year. I'm leaning towards Italy or France. I'd really love to do this alone on some kind of group tour, but I don't know if I have the courage.

5. Travel somewhere alone. I've flown alone but there's always somebody waiting for me at the airport when I arrive. If I don't get the nerve to travel to Europe alone, I at least want to go somewhere in the US. Probably New York, since I'm already very familiar with it and I think I'd feel comfortable on my own.

6. Complete a 30 before 30 watchlist. I got this idea from Andi's list on letterboxd. I haven't made my list yet (I'm going to be neurotic and wait until my 29th birthday to start it) but I can already think of a ton of must-see films I haven't watched yet and some not-quite-must-see films that I've been wanting to watch for years.

7. Start driving. I've had a car since 2013 and I've been practicing a lot this year but I still don't feel comfortable driving without someone in the car to advise me.

8. Listen to the entire New Order catalog. I mean I want to focus on listening. I don't want to do anything else but play the music, close my eyes, and listen.

9. Write my first book. I actually have four concrete ideas for books -- one is a children's book, one is an art book and two are DIY books -- now I need to get to work on making them.

10. Write a pilot. This is kind of crazy, but I have an idea for a sitcom (I chalk it up to watching too much Parks & Rec, The Office, and 30 Rock, and getting majorly inspired by Felicia Day's book) and the pilot has been writing itself in my head A LOT lately. I need to learn how to format a script and start transferring it out of my brain. I don't anticipate anything happening with it, but I just want to write it anyway.

11. Loosen up. I'm almost too laid back about things like schedules, being on time, plans gone awry, etc. but I'm insanely uptight about stuff like dancing in public, singing out loud when other people are around, clapping, being in the same aisle as other people at the grocery store... I just get anxious easily about really stupid things. I need to get outside of my head and loosen up a little.

12. Embrace my flaws. I highly doubt this is do-able in one single year but I want to really try. As you can probably tell by what I write in my outfit posts, I dissect every aspect of my appearance. I need to just cut it out. I never notice physical flaws when I look at other humans, so I need to stop seeing them in the mirror.

13. Actually read the books on The Middle Ages that I've been buying this year. I've acquired my own mini library but I've only read two of the books I bought. I'm so obsessed with this era and the only way to learn more is to start reading.

14. Break some of my bad habits. I wait way too long to pee, which is going to ruin my bladder (TMI, sorry!), I only do laundry when I run out of underwear (I'm one of those people who has actually BOUGHT underwear rather than do laundry. What's wrong with me??) and I drink way too much soda (which is probably why I have to pee so often..) All of that has to get fixed.

15. Volunteer. This will depend on whether or not I accomplish #7, but ideally I'd like to volunteer at the local non-profit movie theater.

16. Watch all of Hitchcock's sound films, in order. I've wanted to do this for so long! I've seen almost all of them already, but I really want to re-watch them in order. It seems like such a fun challenge!

17. Start vlogging. I've been holding back on this because I'm self conscious about my voice (I hopefully probably have made so many comments about my voice that by the time you finally hear it you'll think "well that's not as bad as I was thinking it would be") but I really want to make videos. There was a point in time where I wouldn't show my face in an outfit post because I was too insecure about my looks.. it's all about taking the first step.

18. Take advantage of my location. Like I said a few posts ago, I might be moving out of state relatively soon. Until that happens, I live really close to the Atlantic ocean, New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC.

19. Make an animation that's at least one minute long. I don't think anything ever makes me feel as accomplished as completing an animation. I've only made 3 (I think?) and they've all been SUPER short.

20. Go to ComicCon. I'm aiming for NYCC next year because SDCC seems impossible to get into. I really, really, really want to go, though. If neither of those are plausible then maybe Paleyfest instead.

21. Learn a new craft skill. I kind of want to just wander around Michael's and pick something on a whim. I don't want to monetize the craft for my shop, I just want it to be a hobby.

22. Try to spend my time more wisely. During one of my "woe is me, I'm almost 30" spells recently I thought about how 8-year-old me would react if she could meet me now. And I realized that she'd probably think I was pretty awesome. She'd be thrilled that my hair is pink and that my job is being an artist/person who makes stuff. She'd be really glad that I'm still playful and didn't turn into a stuffy grown up. But she'd be SO UPSET that I waste time goofing off on the internet. I spent so much of my childhood wishing I didn't have to go to school so I could draw instead. I played restaurant because I couldn't wait to grow up and cook real food. I can actually do those things all the time now, so why the heck do I spend so much time refreshing instagram?

23. Go to more comedy shows. I saw Chris Hardwick perform live this year and it was SO AWESOME. I don't think I've ever laughed as hard(wick) as I did that night. My skin isn't showing any wrinkles yet but I want some intense laugh-lines by the time I turn 40.

24.Make more custom Pop Vinyl dolls. I really want to make an Ian Malcolm doll, and some classic movie ones, too! I'd love to try my hand at sculpting instead of just doing custom paint.

25. Maybe possibly try online dating. Ugh, I can't believe I'm thinking about this because I'm literally the shyest person who has ever existed. Just writing this is making me flush. I mean, the cashier at Michaels was nice to me the other day (I repeat, NICE, not even remotely flirting) and I started blushing and couldn't even look at him. I'm HORRIBLE. At least I'm figuring if I try doing it online I can say upfront that I'm shy and then see what happens. I'm really iffy about this one but I'm putting it on the list anyway.

26. Go to a Spice Girls reunion tour concert. It's going to happen, okay?

27. Volunteer in the 2016 presidential election. I used to volunteer in every election since Clinton's 1992 campaign (I was six but I helped my dad volunteer) but I haven't done anything since '08. I felt like knocking on stranger's doors was incredibly ineffective, but I think I'd rather do something potentially futile than do nothing at all, which is 100% futile.

28. Go to the movies more often. I just got a MoviePass so I'm planning on using the heck out of it. In the last year I've really fell in love with the movie-going experience in a way I never felt before. It's almost like a drug, the way it makes me feel completely removed from my own thoughts.

29. Let go of things I shouldn't be holding onto. I don't want to elaborate a lot here, but basically I grew estranged from someone who used to be very important to me and I need to let it go. I'm holding onto that pain, and it's way too heavy. I want to feel lighter again. Maybe typing this out will help..

30. Go to Disneyland, ride in an airplane, kiss Peggy Fleming, live in a house with stairs, beat up a Russian. (High five if you understood this one.)

notes to my younger self

Notes To My Younger Self is a series of posts by bloggers helping spread the word about The Post College Survival Kit, by Sarah from Yes and Yes. We learned the hard way so you don’t have to! You don’t have to wait till your thirties for a better job, a cuter apartment, financial stability, better relationships + friendships.



When Sarah asked if I'd participate in her "notes to my younger self" blog crawl, in which bloggers lend advice to their 22 year old selves, I immediately said yes. But then I realized that I'm almost just as clueless about life at 27 as I was at 22. So my main advice to 22 year old me is to take chances, be adventurous, make mistakes, jump at opportunities and live life so fully that at 27 I'd be a wise old soul who could dispense sage advice and smile fondly at her past foibles.

Dear 22 Year Old Kate,

Oh, Kate. You need to stop being so horribly shy and scared to live. It's a lot easier to break that mold now, it's a lot harder when we're getting closer to (gasp!) thirty. Talk to other humans, it's not that bad. Go outside more. Learn to drive and then drive somewhere far away. Take day trips alone, make friends and take day trips with them, too. Go to the movies once in a while. Try new foods. Find a cute, smart guy and ask him out. It won't be the end of the world if he says no.

Don't drop out of college. Yes, art shows are starting to take off and it looks like a college degree won't be necessary but believe you me, it is. Even if we got lucky & art supported us forever (sorry to break it to you, it won't) it wouldn't hurt to have that degree under our belt. You were SO close to finishing! Just do it!

Be happy with what you have. You'll spend most of your twenties wishing for something better, but in reality you're a pretty lucky duck. You have a family that loves you, a roof over your head, food on the table, adorable cats, and basically all of your favorite shows are available to watch instantly on Netflix, so what on earth are you moping about?

Try fruit flavored ice creams. It's a crying shame that I didn't get to discover their gloriousness until I was 26. Fix that immediately! Turn on NBC on Thursday and watch The Office. It's going to be your favorite show when you discover it years from now. It's one of the few things in this world that makes us smile no matter how bad the day is -- so it should really be a part of your life much sooner.

Learn the correct way to address your former self in a letter, and which tenses to use when talking about our life, your life or my life. Trust me, it'll come in handy in about five years.

It takes us a while to get to the point where I can say this but... I kind of love you.

xo Kate

it's okay to fail

I've been thinking about writing this for a while because I feel like it's something that needs to be said. As a blog *reader* I end up feeling like I can't relate to a lot of my favorite bloggers because they never seem to fail at anything they do. But maybe they're just like me and don't really talk about the failure part of life quite so much. I want my own blog readers to know that I fail CONSTANTLY and sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in it. I've had a moderate level of success with this blog and my etsy shops, but overall I feel the failure much more. Hopefully this post will help somebody relate and feel like they're not alone in their struggles.

Professionally, I used to do outdoor art fairs full time. Then the recession hit in 2008 and I could barely make back my booth fee at most of the shows. So I switched to Etsy. My Flapper Doodle shop became my sole source of income, making over $100 a day. I have absolutely no idea how it happened, but I felt so ridiculously lucky!! At some point over the last two years though it started to decline, to the point that this whole week so far I've made $50. I've been trying to come up with new ideas all the time - starting Sweet and Lovely, The Book Fair, Your Fan Club, etc. I've managed to make up for the loss in income with my extra shops, wholesale orders and freelance work, but Flapper Doodle's downward spiral keeps me up almost every night. Every so often I have a good week where things seem back on track, but they always inevitably trickle back to my new normal. This week has seen the most drastic decline yet, but on average I'm making about 30% less than I did in 2012.

Personally, my shyness is so crippling that I haven't had a boyfriend yet. I'm on the late end of my mid-twenties and it's really hard not to feel like I've flunked life. I see people my age or much younger getting married and starting families, and it's like there's a little voice whispering in my ear "failure!"

Here's the thing though -- I'm not a failure. I think that I grew up to be a very kind, considerate human being. I'm confident in my appearance and my intellect. I'm responsible, a hard worker, and dedicated to my family, friends and animals. As a person, I don't think I've done too bad. I've had projects that have failed, I've failed in the romance department, and I've experienced constant little failures on a day-to-day basis -- but *I* am not a failure. I'm not defined by the things that have gone wrong in my life.

I am not a success story and I don't know if I'll ever be one -- and that's okay. Failure isn't always a preface to success, sometimes it's part of the story and continues to be part of it until the end. But just because it's included doesn't mean it's the main plot.  I think if you try really hard, or even if you have really good intentions (hi, nonexistent boyfriend!) that's really all that matters. My friends and family don't discount me as a person because my etsy shop is on rocky ground. You guys (I hope?) don't think any less of me because I'm ridiculously shy.

So if you've been facing any failures in your life or work, just know that I totally get it. It's okay to fail, and it doesn't make you a failure. xo

find your happy

Ok. I'm moving back home. It turns out I'm not a "living alone" kind of person. I was painfully lonely by myself and kept finding every excuse I could to come home or sleep over in my old bedroom. For a couple weeks in January I brought the cats back with me and we were basically living in my room at home and I'd go back to my apartment to work during the day.

It was an experiment that I needed to do. As I've gotten older I've felt so much pressure to move out and grow up. By society, not my parents -- they didn't want me to leave in the first place. But I just didn't enjoy it at all. And I'd much rather be considered some kind of failure by the rest of the world and be happy than be miserable living alone just because I think society would want it that way.

One of the main reasons I moved out in the first place was because I needed more room for my business, so I'm moving into a larger room downstairs instead of my old bedroom. This week I already moved most of my bedroom and all of my workspace back and it looks great. I feel SO MUCH peace being back here. I can't even describe how happy it makes me to be *home* It might be ridiculously old fashioned but I think I'm just going to hang out with my parents until I get married. They're basically like super awesome roommates who just happen to have also raised me.

I'm really glad that I got my apartment because living alone is no longer a "what if" -- I know that I don't like it. And that's okay. Sometimes I feel like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys, I just don't have a life that would be considered normal for somebody my age. But that is OKAY. I don't know about you, but I for one have spent way too much time thinking about whether or not my lifestyle is normal when what I should be thinking about is whether or not my lifestyle makes me happy. It does, and that should be enough.

sweater- forever 21 | jeans - h&m | shoes - c/o le bunny bleu

ps. I'm still going to post the rest of my apartment tour photos! I took them before I disassembled everything so you'll still get to see my old workspace and my hallway. And I'll definitely do a new room tour once I'm fully moved back home. It's only partially finished now but I love it so much more than my apartment already!! :)

Looking back on 2013

Usually I'm able to look back on a year and conclude if it was a good one or a bad one, but 2013 is a lot harder to define. It was phenomenally wonderful and horribly, horribly bad. I lost Hypatia in February and my business suffered its worst year ever, and both of those things clouded all 12 months for me. But I also adopted Arrietty, got my first apartment, saw Niagara Falls, went to Disney World twice, and met Steve Carell and other cast members at the Office wrap party in Scranton. I finally realized what I want to be when I grow up (an elementary school art teacher) and I started driving again after almost 10 years away from the wheel. 2013 might very well have been the worst year of my life and the best.




Favorite outfits: first outfit of 2013 & everybody pants now
Favorite posts: The slumber party kit & good things that happened in 2012
Moments: I was modcloth's blogger of the moment, and I discovered Yogurtland which started a year-long obsession for me and my dad




Favorite outfits: polkadots and moonbeams & shamrock shake
Favorite post: DIY cat toe shoes
Moments: We celebrated Hubble's 1st anniversary and Chloe's 10th, I said goodbye to Hypatia




Favorite outfits: the happiest place on earth & to distraction
Favorite post: sweet & gentle
Moments: I adopted Arrietty, I read The Hunger Games books and loved them, I celebrated my 3rd blog anniversary




Favorite outfits: lilac ruffles & with a smile and a song
Favorite posts: my disney outfit posts
Moments: my dad turned 60, Jurassic Park 3D came out and I saw it multiple times, I went to Disney World with my mom




Favorite outfits: backwards buttons & daisies
Favorite post: if you like it then you should have put a coat of paint on it
Moments: I went to the Office Wrap party in Scranton, met Steve Carell, and had the best weekend of my entire life, I did my first art show in 2 years, I got my first tattoo




Favorite outfits: posh frock friday & I have no idea
Favorite post: what's old is new again
Moments: I saw Niagara Falls, I met one of my best friends in real life, my bedroom was featured on Teen Vogue, I got a new car and took it on its first road trip




Favorite outfits: fit for a princess & periwinkle and sea foam green
Favorite post: television cozy DIY
Moments: I dressed up like a minion, Mental Floss started carrying my Puns Intended prints in their store, I shared 10 things you might not know about me, Dahlia produced a dress that I designed (inspired by Hypatia!), I finally realized what I want to be when I grow up




Favorite outfits: polkadots and moonbeams & clouds and rainbows
Favorite post: ode to a very sweet cat
Moments: I went 2 straight years with at least 1 sale per day in my etsy shop (that streak has since been broken, but it was lovely while it lasted!), I participated in GISHWHES (the greatest international scavenger hunt the world has ever seen) and had a complete blast




Favorite outfits: paws for thought & summer nights
Favorite posts: the elusive chloe & daisy button restyle
Moments: I dyed my hair purple, ever + mi crush started carrying my Hypatia dress, I went to Disney World again and got to participate in Dapper Day, I celebrated the 20th anniversary of The X-Files pilot, I got to meet up with Polly in New York




Favorite outfits: hearts again & sweatshirt weather
Favorite posts: my hypatia dress outfit posts
Moments: I got my apartment!, I had my first party at my apartment, I dressed up as Princess Unicorn from The Office for Halloween, I went to NYC to attend a lecture with my dad and we had so much fun!




Favorite outfit: trousers and cats & christmasitis
Favorite post: my cat friendly menorah
Moments: I turned one year older, I finally finished my 2014 Flapper Doodle calendar, I officially moved into my apartment (and also bought a bed for my room at home so I can still sleepover!), I passed 9,000 sales in my etsy shop




Favorite outfits: time flies & mirror mirror on the wall
Favorite post: pet name book display & christmas freebie
Moments: I went to The Film Forum's Barbara Stanwyck tribute with Kyle in NYC (we saw The Two Mrs. Carrolls), my Aunt Annie turned 102 (though I sadly missed her party since I was sick), I had my first Christmas with my new apartment & Arrietty. I shared my new private instagram account.



Some things I was absolutely obsessed with in 2013:

TV: Fringe, 30 Rock, The Walking Dead, Ancient Aliens, Supernatural, Derek, Breaking Bad, Terriers. MUSIC: Goldfrapp, Joy Division, New Order, Marianne Faithfull. FOOD: Frozen yogurt, coconut everything, fried green beans, eggs in a basket. BOOKS: The Hunger Games, Where'd You Go Bernadette, Gulp, Is It Just Me? VINTAGE: The perfect pink robe (found it!), bell-sleeved lace blouses, 60s party dresses, scalloped lamp shades, lace bed jackets. RANDOM OBSESSIONS: decorating my apartment, Greg Kinnear, dinosaurs, finding unique white blouses while thrifting, documentaries about the plague, searching "kitsch" on pinterest, salt and pepper shakers, Disney pin collecting.